29 Oct 2021 6 min read Christian Dating

4 More Myths of Christian Dating

I've circled the Christian and non-Christian dating block more times than I'd like to admit. I was 21 before I became a follower of Christ and began attending church regularly. Though Christian dating was new to me, I began noticing several pernicious myths that needed to be dispelled. Below, I list four of them and what to believe instead.

But first, if you haven't read my previous article on 5 Myths of Men, Dating, and Singleness, it's a good start. Or stay on this one– there are plenty of myths to go around.

1: Dating Another Christian is Enough

Choosing a mate who is a follower of Christ is foundational. 1 Cor 7:30 states, "A woman is bound to her husband as long as he lives. But if her husband dies, she is free to marry anyone she wishes, but he must belong to the Lord (NIV, italics mine). See also 1 Cor 6:14-16 for a parallel passage. The Bible teaches that we need to start by choosing a marriage partner who follows Jesus, but that doesn't mean it's the only factor—far from it.

Simply put: It's not enough to only marry another Christian. If you ask someone, "Are you a Christian?" they might respond with an eager "Yes." But more important is finding out, "What kind of Christian are they?" Are they the kind who attend church every week, or do they believe once a month is enough?

Likewise, some men and women are new believers, while others have made Jesus their Lord for decades. You need to find someone who's on a similar spiritual level to you. It's not about being judgmental but about figuring out who works best for you. Dedicated Christians can be Pentecostal, Catholic, or Presbyterian.

There's no hard-and-fast rule here. Pray about it. If they are a newbie Christian and you sense they are keen to learn and grow in the Lord, go for it. Or, if they don't have the same passion as you for international missions, but they have a heart to serve others less fortunate, that's a solid point of connection.

2: All the 'Good Ones' Are Already Taken

This myth isn't based on a shallow pool of singles but lousy theology. God isn't up there scratching his head, wondering who you're going to marry. Rest in the faithfulness of God, and that if he has marriage in His plan for your life, it will come in His timing. Also, current statistics reveal that 9o% of men and women will have been married by the time they are seventy-five years old.[i]

Not soon enough? By age thirty-five, the same dataset reveals that, on average, 71% of people will be married.[ii]

At the same time, it will probably take work to find the person you'll spend the rest of your life with. Getting married might mean stepping out of your comfort zone. The person of your dreams might be waiting for you on a new dating app, in another country, or in a nearby city. One woman began driving for two hours to attend a different Bible study. The single community around her was a dead-end. Driving that far every week was inconvenient, time-consuming, and out of her comfort zone. But she kept going and eventually met a man there that she married.

Recently, a friend posted her pic and bio, saying she is looking for a husband. Indeed, a bold move. And I like it. Barring any psychos, what's the worst that could happen? She'll get her inblox flooded with a bunch of randos who she doesn't like.

Trust that all the "good ones" aren't already taken. Let God's grace empower you as you look. And don't be afraid to try something different and put yourself out there.

3: God Will End Your Relationship If it Isn't Right

When my fiancé and I broke up, it felt like someone had dropped a piano on my heart. We didn't wait for God to do it—it was our own volition. Even though we chose to end it, it was still excruciating. Read the part again about the piano.

Is it time for you to let go? Like Lady Gaga, are you caught in a Bad Romance? The relationship might not even be "bad" or unhealthy per se, but you know the person isn't right for you. Part of you knows all the time and energy you've put into it and doesn't want to lose that investment. Trust yourself to make a good decision with the information you have at this point.

Pray and get counsel—don't go through a big decision like this alone. Proverbs 15:22 states, "Plans fail with no counsel, but with many counselors they succeed." Indeed, pastors, mentors, and close friends can provide much wisdom. I wish I had invited more voices in when my engagement ended. Maybe things would have been different.

Ultimately, you, yourself, must make the final decision. You will be the only one to bear the consequences of getting married to this person or not. Your pastor can give you good advice, but he won't be the one to wake up next to them each morning. Your mentor might inspire you to stay, but he or she won't be the one who is intimate with them, starts a family with them, or goes on vacations with them. It'll be you, so you alone must make the final choice.

One guy I know is happily remarried, but his first marriage was a disaster. He avoided the difficult talks with his first fiancée and knew she wasn't suitable for him. He married her anyway, and they divorced a decade later.

If you’re not sure about being with someone, you have everything to gain by praying for wisdom, getting counsel, and letting your heart pause to evaluate things. I don't want to be doom-and-gloom. Taking time to pray and think might be exactly what you need to say a resounding "Yes!" to the person.

4: "I've Had Premarital Sex, and Now My Sex Life in Marriage is Ruined."

If your past includes sexual promiscuity, God wants to remind you that you can still have an amazing, spellbinding, satisfying sex life when you're married. Past sin doesn't need to dictate your future.

What has helped me to get free of my past is praying verses like 1 John 1:9: "If we confess our sins, he is faithful and just and will forgive us our sins and purify us from all unrighteousness." Also, I love this picture of Micah 7:19: "You will again have compassion on us; you will tread our sins underfoot and hurl all our iniquities into the depths of the sea." In other words, if you've repented, your sin is on the ocean floor and can't be brought back up. It's done. Dead. It doesn't have to affect your future.

If you were steeped in sexual sin (or are now), talk with someone who can help. God puts leaders, mentors, pastors, and Christian counselors in your life to bring healing. Go talk to one of them and bring your struggle into the light.

Also, find someone else with a similar struggle and teach them all you have learned. Use your past and your current success to punch Satan in the face. Indeed, God will use your pain for the good of others (Romans 8:28).

Let the Truth In

Wisdom and truth are required to overcome these myths and the legalistic dating culture. Which myths can you relate to? What other ones do you notice in Christian dating?

Did you see that I wrote a book on Christian dating? Click here to learn more about it.