How Do You Know If It's Love or a Fling?

Some relationships are fun but end up being frivolous. They are like exciting shooting stars that blaze brightly in our emotions, then quickly fade. There was no root, only emotion. They are flings.

How can you tell the difference between a fling and true love?

Lovey-dovey feelings should be present at the beginning of any relationship, and it's a good sign that you are physically attracted to one another. But true love isn't only about feeling it. Men and women who meet, get starry-eyed with one another, then become healthy married couples, do so because they maintain an emotional connection and stay committed to each other when that feeling fades — that's the difference. They learned to withstand the storms of life together. They have passion, but there is also stability and consistency over the long haul.

Flings, on the other hand, fizzle out when the first dark clouds arise. Or, they dissolve when the next, cuter person piques their curiosity. It's easy to leave when emotions are the foundation and no commitment was made.

When you meet someone and your internal fireworks soar, you want to know as soon as possible– Does this person have potential or not? Is it love or is it emotion? You want to know because you don't want to experience needless pain? How do you delineate between a relationship with staying power versus the kind that will evaporate like a falling star?

First, you won't know at the beginning. Flings and love might share the panoply of feel-good emotions at the start. So that's one reason to stave off physical touch until you have a commitment. You need to think with your head, not any other part of your body. Plus, the level of physical touch should indicate that both parties plan to stay for a while — aka, commitment. Flings are barren of dedication and obligation.

Second, if you keep a clear head, you'll find that time reveals whether it's love or just a fleeting moment. My mentor, Dr. Tim Nelson, shared with me that all healthy relationships go through different seasons. Let's explore each of these metaphorical seasons together so you can recognize what genuine love truly looks like.

Summer

In summer, love comes easily. It might be a fling or the start of a beautiful relationship leading to marriage. Everything in summer is fantastic! You aren't working for love in this period. You are ecstatic about the relationship. It feels incredible as you text, talk on the phone, walk together, and cook together. You find yourself frolicking as you travel to work, and people ask you about that big smile on your face.

Summers are at least emotionally warm, if not torrid. You feel alive and can gaze into your partner's soul because there's no other place you'd rather be.

Fall

The relationship has stabilized in autumn. Some of the warm and fuzzy feelings have faded. You don't feel as amazing as you did in summer, but joy is still present between you and your partner. The sun shines, but clouds have crept in, too. If you're honest, you still have good times, but you feel frustration in your relationship. You're experiencing the doldrums of life. The relationship climate is sometimes dreary. You think, What happened to effortless love?

Many flings end in the fall. Since they were rooted in happy feelings, the couple has nothing left to base their relationship on when those feelings lessen.

Love stays put. Love sees potential and something deeper in their partner beyond an object of affection. True love is interested in getting to know the person and can withstand a downgrade in the emotional fireworks.

Winter

The relationship temperature is cold. You might have endured a major fight or a growing apart. If it's a fling, one person in the relationship will pack their bags and leave at this point. They think, Why not go find another summer with someone else?

If it's love, the relationship is intact. But it's battered. You think, Did I make the right choice in staying with this person? Will this dreariness ever end? You feel pain and misunderstanding. True love pierces through the storm and stays. An ember burns, and you know that it is worth fighting for.

If you're married, it's also cold. You sleep inches apart at night, but are emotionally miles apart. You often lament how much fun you had in the summer. But something (you might not even know what) keeps you committed to them. Will winter last forever?

Spring

The ground is thawing. The weather is cool but quickly warming. The trees are budding, and joy is returning. The clouds are parting, and you experience blue skies again. You and your partner are now having fun once again, and the lovey-dovey feelings are growing.

As you look back, you realize you've learned a lot about yourself and the other person from the cold spell. You didn't enjoy winter, but you know you and your relationship are stronger for enduring. You are excited because you know summer is arriving soon.

Flings Fade, Love Grows

Flings usually don't last until winter. They weren't meant to. Winters winnow, and separate love from the kind of relationships that lack it. In dating, I hope you can endure and grow from at least one winter before you get engaged. Every couple should have at least one big conflict to solve together before they commit at the altar. That test will strengthen the couple, and it's a good sign that it's love, not a fling.

What season is your relationship in? Do you agree with the four seasons?