The Day I Faced My Biggest Fear (Part 2)

If you haven't read my first article, Shame Kept Me Silent—How I Broke Free, I recommend you begin there. You'll understand the context for how I got to the point of facing my greatest fear, head-on.

A simple sheet of white paper changed my life forever. It wasn't the actual page that mattered, but the words written on it. The short phrase my therapist wrote down sealed my fate. And I was terrified.

"As I sat down for speech therapy, the clinician asked, "What's your greatest fear? I blurted, "Reading in church," and she immediately wrote it down. Somehow, her cool and smooth delivery bypassed my usual, where-is-she-going with-this alarm, and I didn't know I would actually do what I said.

I've stuttered my whole life.

She drew an "X" on the page as the starting point, then a line from there to my aforementioned biggest fear– reading in church. "This is where we're going," she let out. My internal organs liquified, and I quickly and venomously recanted. But it was too late. A thousand students attend my church service each week, and all I could picture was them snickering at me as I stammered in front of them all.

Public speaking is the number one fear for normal speakers; death is number two. No one wants to make a fool of themselves in public, but my failure would have epic proportions — stuff that social media legends are made of (fortunately, we didn't have it back then). It's no wonder the comedian Jerry Seinfeld joked about this, saying people would rather be the one in the casket than the one giving the eulogy.

God Wants You to Bring Shame to the Surface

What's your greatest fear? Have you overcome it? As I mentioned in my previous article, I discussed how, by God's grace, I had already gained a level of freedom in my speech by being vulnerable and sharing my battle with others.

To get free, you must open the door to your cobweb-filled basement and take people where you don't want to go. Get there first, get acquainted with what you've been hiding, then invite others in. When you share what you don't want to share, a giant weight lifts from your shoulders, and you'll feel lighter than you've ever felt.

The way God designed it, as you do, others will also begin sharing their struggles. Vulnerability begets vulnerability, and humility breeds humility. Nine times out of ten, when you expose what you've held captive in the dark, you'll get validated, and often others will open up. When it doesn't happen, and people meet you with crickets or even pushback, it's only a sign that the other person doesn't know how to deal with their own issues yet.

Indeed, sharing is caring–for yourself–and for others. Your courage will empower others to be courageous as well. Healing is a community effort, and God brings people together so everyone can grow in Him. Marriage is one example, but it could be between close friends or a small group.

Healing begins with opening up, which will benefit you and others. Yet it doesn't end there. For me, the next logical step was, "How do I improve my speech?"

God probably won't hand it to you. Healing takes work.

Your Spiritual Gym is Waiting

What's your goal in healing? My goal was to develop mellifluous speech so that I could share the Word of God more effectively. What's your ultimate purpose of healing?

On one hand, the Lord could zap you with healing from heaven, and you could be free in an instant. It happens, and I love hearing testimonies of how God works instantly in people's lives. Most of the time, however, breaking free comes through travail. God will partner with you and empower you to climb whatever summit you're facing, but the flag of victory is planted with blood, sweat, and tears.

What does that look like practically? It could look like committing to therapy for a year to work through your insecurity. It could look like signing up for a course on how to break free from pornography. If you're battling with eating, it would probably mean getting both psychological help and going on a diet.

For me, it was attending speech therapy weekly and setting a goal to speak in front of a thousand people. Faith requires taking steps of faith. And freedom comes through a battle, and the battle is won through training.

In the following months, my speech workout was rigorous. I had to uproot years of poor speaking habits and replace them. My clinician taught me to speak more slowly and to gently approach words by elongating the first sound. Moreover, if I were going to speak in church, I would need to speak publicly in less strenuous situations.

So any good Roman Catholic would, I began attending daily Mass. In college, I rode my bike to church on weekdays and attended the short Mass so I could practice giving the readings in front of a few people.

Would you expect anything less than elbow grease to conquer our fears? Anything worth doing takes work. You wouldn't expect to learn the piano by a heavenly download or learn to speak Chinese in an hour, so why, when it comes to our inner wounds, do we expect God to gently hand them over without costing us?

Our Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ, literally sweated blood as tiny capillaries in his skin burst because of the fear he felt the night before dying on the cross. In his pursuit to be a missionary to the Gentiles, the Apostle Paul was shipwrecked three times, beaten with rocks and stones, and was in constant danger (2 Corinthians 11:16-33). Through it all, Paul calls them his "light and momentary troubles," as Paul writes in 2 Corinthians 4:17.

If your goal came without a fight, you would already have it. Similarly, if a single Bible verse, a lone prayer, or "giving it to the Lord" would solve all your solvable problems, you would have already done those things and already vanquished that dragon. We are saved by grace alone, and God works through work. Paul tells Timothy to "train yourself to be godly." (1 Tim 4:7).

As months of therapy continued, my speech gradually smoothed out. I worked hard and had several interrupted nights of sleep as I pictured myself facing my goal: A packed Sunday night service at St. Thomas Aquinas Church.

To be clear: I never had any doubts about where my power came from to train so hard. I knew I was loved by God and was working from His love, not for it. His grace was exactly what gave me the perseverance to overcome. "You then, my son, be strong in the grace that is in Christ Jesus" (1 Tim 2:1).

My speech work isn't done, and it won't be this side of heaven. But I can confidently get up and speak what the Lord has given me without a debilitating fear. You can, too. I'm excited to see if this article inspires you to do what you've been scared to do.

Set Others Free

Your healing isn't just about you. Others are waiting for you to get free so you can help them. Without you overcoming, maybe someone out there won't. Don't be selfish — go, find your freedom. Overcome. Then, help others.

Face your fear. Do it for yourself. Do it for others. And, most importantly, do it for God's glory. Then, guess what? You'll climb to the next mountain, conquer that one, and bring more people with you.

When it came time for me to read in church, I stood up in front of a thousand people with my heart beating like a bass drum. How did I do?

I nailed it.

Now, you nail yours.