Three Tips to Breaking-Up Well

I experienced a broken engagement several years ago, and it was the most painful experience of my life. One failure like this is enough for a lifetime. Regardless of whether you’re dating or engaged, letting go of a relationship and the person you thought you would marry is excruciating. The closest word picture I can think of comes from a song called "Inside Out," where one line says something about putting your "heart in a blender."

There’s no perfect way to break up when you’re dating, especially when you’re emotionally, socially, and spiritually invested in one another. Letting go, healing, and moving on takes time. Still, there are things we can do to make it easier.

Here are three tips below to ease the process of breaking up.

Honesty is the Best Policy

First, you need to be honest with yourself. As soon as you realize a dating relationship isn’t meant for marriage, it’s time to end it. The sooner, the better. One of the most helpful dating skills is to spot mates with real potential earlier in the relationship, before you’re invested. The opposite is also true. The sooner you know someone is a dud and won’t be “The One,” the sooner it’s time to have that awkward conversation. Don’t be like me and wait until you’re engaged, because the longer you wait, the more painful it is.

Don't force it. If things aren’t going well in the dating relationship, getting engaged or married won’t make it easier. Marriage will only exacerbate the current problems in your dating relationship. When I wanted to force a marriage because I thought, Surely God will bless it, my mentor told me, "Eric, you're gambling."

At some point—the sooner the better—sit down and have the talk. Being clear, respectful, and gracious is a tricky combination. I’d recommend one line my mentor gave me: “Thanks for giving me a chance to get to know you." It's clear, concise, and loving.

You can also thank the person you went out with for your time together and pay them a compliment. Then make it clear that you don’t see this going any further. Avoid statements like “Let’s stay friends” or “Let’s keep in touch.” One woman I was head-over-heels with broke up with me and said, “Maybe we could try again in a year-and-a-half.” I’m still not sure where she got that timeframe, but I thought to myself, I'm not waiting around." Good, because she never contacted me again.

Get Clear Counsel

If you need another voice—and you probably do—ask a trusted mentor, counselor, or friend to speak into your decision. Make big decisions like this in a community, not alone. Depending on how long you dated, this decision will affect your church, small group community, and your heart. Let one or two people you trust know what you’re struggling with and ask for their advice. An outside perspective will help you see the situation in a new light.

I was blessed to have a mentor who was also a family therapist. After one dialogue with him about a woman I was dating, Tim lovingly quipped, “Run.” Laconic, but I needed to hear it. Proverbs 19:20 states, “Listen to advice and accept instruction, that you may gain wisdom in the future” (ESV). If you don't agree, then don't take their advice. You can always invite multiple trusted voices into this important decision.

The people you invite into your dating life will help you gain insight and clarity. But one thing advisors cannot do is decide for you. They won’t personally suffer the consequences of the relationship. Stay because you want to stay; go because you want to go.

If you're still ambivalent about talking with trusted advisors, trust your gut. A constant, nagging feeling of uneasiness is valid information. Listen to it. The Lord gave you feelings, in one sense, to protect you. If it's an unwarranted fear, like a fear of commitment, then that's a different story. A fear like this is rooted in a wound, and wounds are meant to be healed. But feeling anxious because you don't want to marry someone or date them any longer doesn't require therapy—just a decision to say goodbye.

Boundaries Are Bliss

If you break up, set stalwart boundaries and don’t contact them. No contact. Keep clear in your mind that this is the end of the relationship. Avoid texting her, liking any of her posts, or asking about how she's doing.

After one breakup, I told my guy friends, “Don’t tell me anything about her. When I want to know, I’ll ask.” This abeyance gave me the space to let my heart heal and the power to hear about her when I felt ready. My friends chuckled and thought I was acting extreme, but I had to do what was best for my heart.

I'd also recommend unfollowing them on social media. The space from your ex will help you get over them faster. It'll hurt, but the less you communicate, the better. Aim for zero interactions if you can, at least for a while.

And that "while" depends on you and your heart. Everyone heals differently, and every breakup is unique. Depending on how long you dated and the seriousness of the relationship, you get to decide how much or how little you will talk. If your heart was invested in the relationship, you might wait three, six, or more months before speaking to them again.

You'll know when your heart is ready to speak to them. How? Because you won't see them as anything but a friend at that point. The sting of the breakup is over. If you can happily interact with them around their new boyfriend or girlfriend, then you're truly over them.

Call or Text?

What's the best method for breaking up? You’ll need to tailor your breakup method to the situation. If you briefly exchanged messages online and only met once for coffee, you could probably get away with texting them. You could write, “I had fun, but I don’t see us being more than friends. Thank you for the get-together.” The point is, don’t just go AWOL on them—make sure you communicate.

In today's day and age, a clear text is a godsend to many. Many immature men and women ghost people and don't say anything. Even if it's only one official date, if you don't want to see them again, follow up with a message stating where you're at. If you're unsure, write, "I need some time to think about it." When you have an answer, message them back.

Moreover, if you’ve been on a few dates, then the breakup requires at least a phone call. Yes, it’s hard to pick up the phone instead of texting in the dating culture we're in today. Doing what is right is often uncomfortable, scary, and awkward, as my mentor used to say. But if you follow Jesus, you’re always called to do what is difficult and upstanding. Paul states in Galatians 6:9, “And let us not grow weary of doing good, for in due season we will reap, if we do not give up” (ESV).

Finally, if you’ve been dating for any length of time and live in the same area, I’d recommend getting together in person to end it. I remember one story at church of a young woman walking out of the service with a crestfallen look on her face. I still see her look of despair as I write this. She saw me, walked over, and said her boyfriend just broke up with her over a text. Forlorn, she looked down at her phone and said to herself, “He couldn’t even call?”

This was around 2010, so singles didn't text as much back then. I'm dating myself, but God's principles stand the test of time, and those include love and respect. I'm not saying you can't text someone to end it, but, again, you need to think what's best for them, not what's best for me. I can tell you this plainly because I've learned the hard way and have made endless relationship mistakes.

But isn't God the True Alchemist? He turns anything into gold, so let my mistakes be the precious nuggets you can use to love well in your relationships.

Error on the Side of Respect

In summary, when you break up, be honest, get counsel, and allow the level of intimacy, commitment, and length of time in your dating relationship to dictate the best way to break up. If you’re between two options (texting or calling), always go with the more difficult one (calling).

What do you think? Let me know what was helpful and not helpful in this blog. Also, check out my dating book, How Should a Christian Date? It's Not as Complicated as You Think.