What Does it Mean for Christians to Date S.L.O.W.?

"You do the most damage when you're in a hurry." I heard that line a decade ago, and it has anchored itself in my mind ever since. Think about a time when you were in a hurry, driving somewhere, and almost got into an accident. You weren't focused on the cars around you because you were on a mission to make that appointment.

Or, think of when you left the house in a rush and left your phone on the kitchen table. Examples like this are endless. We cause many problems when we're not at peace and patient in our circumstances.

Taking things slowly, particularly in Christian dating, is paramount. Rushing can lead to harm and unnecessary pain, while progressing at a steady pace can foster a beautiful relationship.

Slow isn't a four-letter bad word. It's about taking things one step at a time to get married. Relationships are like gardens—seeds need to be planted, watered, and given time to grow. You can't force a garden to produce a crop a week after you planted a seed. The same goes for relationships.

Here's how Christians can date S.L.O.W.

Step by Step

Hurriedness is fueled by anxiety and myopically sprints toward a goal. It takes the mindset, Whatever it takes to get married fast, I'll do it. Again, you do the most damage when you're in a hurry. Why? You're not thinking about what's good, right, and true. You're thinking only about the goal, not the process.

But how you date is just as important as standing at the altar. When you're patient, you are at peace with taking the relationship gradually.. There's no reason to run to the altar. It takes time to get to know someone and determine whether it's a fling or something more. Are you willing to put in the time and effort to find out?

As I've stated in previous writings, there are five stages in a Christian dating relationship. (One step is optional.) Each stage is a period of time during which you get to know that man or woman in a different way. You must do all the stages, and they are best done in order. (You can skip stage two, which is non-exclusive dating, and many people do). You can read more about the stages in my dating book.

Friendship-->Non-Exclusive Dating-->Dating-->Engagment--Marriage

Walking instead of sprinting in a dating relationship will save time, energy, and unnecessary pain. The Bible states that "Love is patient" (1 Cor 13:4). Patience has a quality of endurance. In dating, the fireworks of feelings you experience at the beginning push you to rocket you into engagement and marriage. But patience paces the relationship. Think of patience as a combination of endurance and prudence.

If you're patient, you'll stay on the right path, but that doesn't mean I recommend dating for a decade to get married. There are seasons in a relationship, and you must go through Spring, Summer, Winter, and Fall before you get married.

Listen to God

As you take the relationship slowly, listen to what the Lord says about it. I'm not talking about hearing Him audibly, but about interacting with the Holy Spirit and understanding His Will for you and the other person.

What I mostly mean by hearing from God is acquiring His wisdom and learning about the Lord's character and nature. Solomon writes in Proverbs 3:13-14,

"Blessed are those who find wisdom,
those who gain understanding,
for she is more profitable than silver
and yields better returns than gold."

To make a decision, you need to know what the Word of God says, to have insight from the Holy Spirit, to have wisdom, and to receive counsel from others. The acronym A.I.R.E.S. is a practical model I use when making big decisions. You can read about it here.

Observe What You Form Together

Jilt compatibility and instead ask the question, "What do we form together?" Consider this metaphor. If you like to cook, you know that ketchup is excellent for hamburgers and wasabi is good for sushi. But you don't combine the two.

Likewise, just because two God-fearing Christians date doesn't mean they like the relationship they form. You not only marry the person, per se, but you also marry the relationship. The relationship is the patterns of communication, the feel of the relationship, and how you relate to one another. It's a type of synergy that is greater than two people.

Assess the kind of relationship you create. Think about when someone says something like, "They bring out my silly side" or "They challenge me to be more like Christ." The relationship makes you more of who you want to be. We talk so much about red flags in relationships, but what about the green ones?

Why two people fit together and why others don't is a mystery. One of the biggest myths of Christian dating is that marrying another Christian is not enough.

Wait for Physical Affection

Finally, to take a Christian dating relationship S.L.O.W., your mind-in-Christ needs to lead the relationship, not your loins. One way to do this is to wait as long as possible for physical affection. Holding hands, kissing, and cuddling might create effulgent emotions, but they cloud decision-making.

Besides choosing to become a disciple of Christ, who you select to marry is the most important decision you'll make, so why would you want to cloud it? C.S. Lewis says that "indulgence brings fog." Diving into physical affection too soon makes the relationship blurry. Why bring static when clarity is needed?

You don't need to "try before you buy" because you'll already know whether you're attracted to them. And if you don't know, spend more time with them, minus the making-out part, and you'll discuss whether they are your "type or not.

The bottom line is, don't let your emotions get the best of you, so make relationship decisions using your mind, not your body. You need clarity, not concupiscence.

How far is too far before marriage? A good rule of thumb is to wait for physical affection until you know where the relationship is going. It sounds extreme, but until you have a commitment, a solid dating relationship, and a strong sense that this is going to marriage, wait. Trust me, this will save you a lot of heartache.

Remember To...

We all hear stories of people meeting for the first time, dating for two weeks, getting married, then staying married for the rest of their lives. It's the exception, not the rule. I've also heard stories of people smoking cigarettes for fifty years and never getting lung cancer. Exceptions happen, but the wisest thing to do is to be steady and true in a relationship—at a snail's pace, but like you're sprinting a 100-meter dash either.

Finally, remember to have fun as you pace your dating. If you don't laugh often, something is off in the relationship. Enjoy your search for a spouse, take it S.L.O.W., and allow God to show you, in His time, whether the relationship has what it takes to progress to marriage.

>>Now, check out my article on how you know if a relationship is a fling or not.