Why the Church Needs to Talk About Dating

A friend and I began planning an event for our church where unmarried men and women could mingle and get to know each other. The church’s leadership wanted to create a subtle night of games where singles could interact naturally. In the process, maybe they’d get a phone number or two. But I wanted to plan an evening of outright speed dating. They agreed. Their only condition was that it wouldn’t be an official church event, even though they would pay for the venue, snacks, and drinks. Fair enough.

In the end, however, my co-planner began dating a guy, and I lost interest in planning the evening on my own. The night of speed dating never happened. But I still feel blessed to attend a church that isn’t afraid to talk about dating or to help singles meet. For now, forget any talk of how to directly set up singles—that’s a big pill to swallow for any church. Let’s begin with answering a more fundamental question: Why is it in the church’s best interest to discuss dating?

Healthy Dating Leads to Healthy Marriages

If churches value marriage—and most do—they should also value the process that leads to it: namely, dating. A life-giving marriage doesn’t begin at the wedding but way sooner. In practice, the positive and negative patterns of their dating life will naturally carry over into marriage.

For example, if a dating couple communicates and solves conflicts well, their chances of continuing this once they exchange rings are much higher. The converse is also true. Addictions, unaddressed trauma, and unhealthy patterns that fester in the lives of dating couples will carry over and hurt their marriage. If churches can help unmarried men and women heal and learn to communicate clearly in dating, this will undoubtedly help mitigate future marriage issues.

Churches have a perfect opportunity to nip relationship problems in the bud early on in a couple’s dating life. But most leaders enter in with much-needed advice and counsel too late. There are exceptions, but many pastors only take an interest in a couple once they are engaged. Pre-marital programs are essential.

I don't necessarily blame them. Most engaged couples are too starry-eyed by the time they set a wedding date that they’ll say “yes” to anything to get married. It’s very difficult to fix deep-seated issues when their emotions are floating on a cloud. The divorce rate among Christians is difficult to estimate, but the range is from 30-50%. Whatever the actual percentage is, it’s too much. Some of these future tragedies could be mitigated if churches talked about how to date rather than sweep it under the rug until couples decide to marry.

Where Else Will They Learn to Date?

Where do Christian singles learn how to find a spouse? Through friends? Their parents? Books? Hollywood? Bollywood? These are valid resources, save the last two.

Where is the church’s voice? Singles need pastors, leaders, and mentors to teach them biblical principles for dating well. Although the Bible doesn’t mention dating, singles can learn a ton about relationships, marriages, and how to grow spiritually from passages like Genesis 2:24, Matthew 7:12, Romans 12:1-2, and 1 Corinthians 13:4-13, and Titus 2:6. More than that, unmarried men and women need to rub shoulders and interact with mature married couples. Modeling a healthy marriage is invaluable.

They also need one-on-one mentoring—someone to walk alongside them as they search for a spouse. Mentors can listen, guide, and offer a shoulder to cry on when finding a spouse gets tough. Teaching singles how to date is an integral part of discipleship.

The Church is a Great Place for Singles to Meet

Few would argue that there's no better place than the church lobby for singles to meet and mingle. Would the pastors rather have them meet in nightclubs? Isn't the sanctuary better than flirting at sports bars? No pastor I know would disagree.

But pastors and leaders need to take it a step further. Unmarried men and women need to explicitly hear from the pulpit that the church is a safe place where singles can meet and interact. One way they can do this is by preaching pro-dating sermons. Let singles know that if they want to marry, you are rallying for them, the church is behind them, and that every willing member is there to help.

Second, they need planned activities to help them get to know each other. Churches can host events where singles can meet. I’m not saying they need to plan a night of speed dating (but you could), but get a team together of married and unmarried men and women and start thinking creatively about how to solve the current marriage crisis, as men and women keep pushing marriage further and further back in thier loves.

I totally get it—pastors don’t want to be blamed if they set up blind dates and their relationship falls apart. Indeed, intervening in someone's dating life is risky. But singles need their pastors and leaders to jump into the fray, not avoid it! They need to teach from their own thriving marriage. what they've learn on how to meet, date, and get engaged in a healthy manner. Besides, which is messier—cleaning up a struggling dating relationship and addressing problems early on, or taking them through divorce counseling?

Talking About Dating Benefits Everyone

Healthy dating not only leads to healthy marriages but also to healthy churches. The process can be confusing, however. This is exactly why we need the church—to help us figure it out together. Thankfully, God is the Great Matchmaker and loves bringing two people together for marriage: “For this reason a man shall leave his father and his mother, and be joined to his wife; and they shall become one flesh” (Genesis 2:24, NASB).

The church needs to lead the effort to model and train young people to date well. The congregations can help by creating a welcoming church environment for singles, letting them know that you value them, whether they get married or not.