Why Wait for Sex Until Marriage? A Science-Based Explanation

Table of Contents

• God’s Design for Sex Is Good
• Oxytocin: The “Superglue” of Human Bonding
• When Chemistry Blurs Discernment
• The Problem of Premature Chemical Bonding
• Is Oxytocin Normal—and Is It Always Good?
• Why Real Trust Takes Time
• Do You Really Need to “Try Before You Buy”?
• The Benefits of Marriage—and the Cost of Waiting Too Long
• Grace, Forgiveness, and a Fresh Start
• Take Sips of Oxytocin in Dating

Why wait for sex until marriage? For many people, the answer sounds religious or moral. But what if there’s also a biological and psychological reason? This article explores a science-based explanation of waiting, examining how bonding hormones shape trust, attachment, and decision-making in relationships.

Written from a Christian perspective, it’s intended for churchgoers and skeptics alike who want to understand how sex affects the heart, the brain, and long-term intimacy.

God’s Design for Sex Is Good

God loves sex because He created it. As its author, He desires that you and your spouse experience intense pleasure within marriage. He told Adam and Eve, "Be fruitful and multiply. Fill the earth and govern it" (Gen 1:28). I can picture Adam responding eagerly, "Yes, sir! I will, without delay."

If you need more evidence for God's heart for this intimate act, read the Song of Solomon. Its metaphors of fawns, fountains, and fruits would make any preacher demur to teach from it. We live in a fallen world where everything is less than perfect on this side of heaven, but my prayer is that every married couple can develop an outlandish, torrid, and pleasing sex life.

A passionate God designed sex to strengthen marital bonds. It brings a husband and wife closer together, provides great enjoyment, and serves for procreation. Several self-reported studies actually link religious or Christian couples with higher sexual satisfaction than the average non-Christian couple [1]. Go God!

Ever since the Lord created beautiful sex, Satan and sin have attacked it. The Bible outlines how to keep it holy. For example, the Seventh Commandment states, "Do not commit adultery," and Leviticus 18 forbids many sexual behaviors outside God’s design. We have an enemy who is at war with us, twisting sex from a sacred act into the unrecognizable debauchery we see today.

The New Testament continues and expands the Christian sexual ethic to the point where even looking at a woman with lust is committing adultery in one's heart. The bar is high for the follower of Christ—only with the Spirit could we possibly obey. Paul writes that we are to "flee sexual immorality," like fornication and sex before marriage (1 Cor 6:18).

This boundary–saving sex for marriage is our focus.

What God wrote in Scripture thousands of years ago has stood the test of time. The right way of waiting for sex is not only God's desire for Christians but also the best way for everyone.

Let me disarm you. Don't expect a guilt trip here or Bible-thumping. I'm sure I'm not the first, nor the thousandth person, to quote God's standards.

I belive in Christ, but I hope those who are curious about the Lord Jesus will find it helpful as well. Maybe the person reading this who hasn't accepted Christ will come to know Him. If this is you, I pray you'll see how research often confirms God's principles, because He wants the best for you.

So, what is this one, science-based reason to wait for sex until marriage?

Wily hormones.

Oxytocin: The “Superglue” of Human Bonding

Physical intimacy, particularly sexual contact, triggers the release of oxytocin, a hormone produced by the hypothalamus, often called the "bonding hormone." It enhances feelings of connection. Oxytocin attaches, like superglue for humans.

It's a fantastic gift and is perfect for married couples. Husbands and wives need the strongest bond, as they have already agreed, before God and witnesses, to stay together "until death do us part." Many couples will have kids, and kids need a stable family. Oxytocin can strengthen feelings of closeness and loyalty, which can support a sense of togetherness among parents, especially under stress—a "oneness" between mom and dad that bodes well for children's health.

Indeed, eliciting a lot of oxytocin is a strong support in building marital connection. Sex does that. You need to trust your partner and know they will be there when the going gets tough. On a chemical level, oxytocin connects your need for safety and security with warm, fuzzy feelings toward your spouse.

But marriage isn't based on a feeling, but on a holy promise. Feelings are a valuable enhancement, like icing on a cake. Isn't it nice to know that God gives you this chemical cocktail through physical intimacy and sex that makes you want to stay there for the long haul?

Consensual and pleasurable sexual activity, like intercourse and sexual touch, creates an oxytocin-releasing party along with a host of other hormones like dopamine and vasopressin. Studies show that a mutually satisfying sex life, whatever the frequency, is one of the indicators of a healthy and happy marriage [2].

In marriage, the closer the bonding, the better. Indeed, the two become one. On a chemical level, oxytocin can act like cement, reinforcing feelings of trust and closeness in a relationship.

Why is ultra-connectedness a problem in dating?

When Chemistry Blurs Discernment

I'm sure you see how opening the dam of this hormone, and others like it, could be dangerous in dating. Will the person you’re fusing to still be in your life a year from now?

If you're dating and have sex, oxytocin floods your body and accelerates attachment too early, filling you with unverified trust—right chemical, wrong time. But trust can only be built over time. You'll feel committed to them and feel like you know them, but you won't.

It's the hormone talking.

Here's a profound study on the relationship between oxytocin and trust I wrote about in my dating book:

In one telling study, researchers in Switzerland investigated the effects of oxytocin by testing it on a group of participants. One group was administered a dose of it via a nasal spray, while another control group was given a placebo. Both were then presented with an opportunity to invest money in a potentially shady business deal. Here’s the scary part: the people who had taken the oxytocin were more likely to trust the presenter and give more of their money away without the possibility of ever receiving a return.

Oxytocin enhances trust and connection. It doesn't care if you're bonding with your spouse, your boyfriend or girlfriend, or the rando you met online. It's neutral, just like glue. But like the bottle of glue, once oxytocin is repeatedly released in connection with someone, the brain begins wiring attachment, whether you intend it or not.

How would you be able to see red flags in a relationship if you're overwhelmed with hormones? Those people in that study couldn't see a shady business deal—would you?

In dating, you want to interpret your partner's negative behavior as negative, just as you want to see the positive in the positive. And you want your brain to recognize the actual green flags in that person for what they are. You need clarity in dating. Oxytocin coursing through your body blurs judgment.

The Problem of Premature Chemical Bonding

Too much oxytocin–especially through pre-marital sex—creates a premature chemical bond. Time, risk, and patience build trust in dating. By allowing a firehose of oxytocin to be let out through sex before marriage, you won't be able to rightly assess your partner and see their true character.

Are they patient? How would you really know? Your hormones will tell you they are. Are they flaky? What would oxytocin say? What would you say? Could you tell the difference while wearing rose-colored glasses?

If you engage in sex before marriage, they won't need to earn your trust or work for your trust because your hormones surrendered it to them. It's not actual trust, of course, but it feels that way.

God designed hormones to augment the process of relationship-building. They are not the foundation, but the colorful decorations you experience.

Staving off sex cold turkey and making out until marriage will cause less oxytocin to flow throughout the body, keeping your brain and wisdom in the driver's seat. By staying in control rather than being steered by emotions, you'll be more likely to see red flags as red flags and green flags as green flags.

Who you marry is the most crucial decision you'll make besides your decision to follow Christ, so why not make it as easy and straightforward as possible?

Higher levels of attachment, often reinforced by oxytocin, tend to make breakups more painful. As I mentioned before, it's a bonding agent, and if you've superglued your fingers together before, you know how painful it is when you rip them apart. Less oxytocin—a.k.a. no sex before marriage—can mean less heartbreak if the relationship ends.

If you've minimized the effects of oxytocin in dating but eventually break it off with that person, it will still hurt. A broken heart is unavoidable. Yet the separation will feel like Elmer's white glue detaching, which is less potent than superglue.

So, wait for sex so your heart isn't knit together with theirs.

If you've experienced a painful breakup, my heart goes out to you. I've had more than one of the gut-wrenching kind. I did kiss and sometimes more, which I regret, so I write this out of experience and without judgment because I've made many mistakes along the way as a follower of Jesus.

Is Oxytocin Normal—and Is It Always Good?

You might say, "Sure, Eric, I'll wait for sex, but oxytocin is also there when you hold hands and kiss—should we abstain from that, too?" On one hand, yes, absolutely wait. If you just started dating and are unsure where the relationship is going, save your lips for someone you have a real potential of marrying.

Whether I sound like a fundamentalist or not, I believe it's completely normal and healthy to meet someone, go on some dates, and never hold hands or kiss them. You'll thank yourself for waiting as long as possible to engage in any physical activity.

You can't avoid oxytocin and the rest of the feel-good hormones in dating, and you shouldn't. Notice them. Feel them. And enjoy them for what they are—one sign among many that you're becoming emotionally close to the person. When you commit, you can choose to hold hands or kiss. Pray about it, and ask God what's best for the relationship.

One thing I know for sure is that sexual activity before marriage is unwise, not only because God said it is, but because it increases your oxytocin, which skews your attempt to make a clear decision for marriage.

Why Real Trust Takes Time

Look at trust this way: In marriage, uninhibited and copious amounts of oxytocin help keep the couple feeling connected. Whereas oxytocin is unpredictable, a marriage bond is stable. It reinforces trust that was earned through hard work, patience, and time.

Practically, a couple meets, likes each other, and dares to begin sharing pieces of their hearts with one another. Over time, they open up more and more. They validate each other's wounds. They experience some fights and hard times, listen to each other, and never walk away. They build trust over many months or a few years, then, with eyes wide open, decide to marry.

In this light, married couples earned the right to have sex and experience a rush of pleasure and hormones, especially the closeness through oxytocin, because they built the relationship, brick by brick, putting much effort into the relationship, making the ultimate commitment to one another, based on a vow, not a feeling.

Do You Really Need to "Try Before You Buy?"

You don't need to try out sex with your dating partner. If you're attracted to them, you'll know it. In marriage, you can practice and fine-tune all the sexual techniques and each other's likes and dislikes to heart's desire.

Consider this analogy. You're on a diet, and your friend brings a warm, chocolate lava cake to your house. How inconsiderate. Do I need to taste this cake to see if it's good?

The idea that we need to have sex with someone to know if we're sexually compatible with them is spurious. As you spend time with them, get to know their character and their values, and you see how they treat you, you'll inherently know whether there are sexual sparks there or not.

I don't need to go into the detrimental effects of oxytocin in casual hookups and one-night stands. These are about as unhelpful in building healthy relationships as sandpaper is to being the best toilet paper.

For me, for you, for all the unmarried men and women in the world. We won't die from not having sex, waiting to kiss, or even abeying hand-holding until the right time. You won't. Try it, and I bet I won't read your obituary in your local newspaper.

See, you can say "No" to your body because you are not an animal. Animals live by impulse alone; you at least live by volition. Keep feelings in their proper place and give that volitional living a try—it's pretty good. Spiritual living is even better.

Do You Really Need to “Try Before You Buy”?

When you're dating as a Christian, you don't know if you're going to marry that person—that's the whole point of dating to see if you will or won't. Sex before marriage is not only a sin, but it will hinder your dating life, to say the least.

Run from sexual sin! No other sin so clearly affects the body as this one does. For sexual immorality is a sin against your own body. ¹⁹ Don’t you realize that your body is the temple of the Holy Spirit, who lives in you and was given to you by God? You do not belong to yourself, ²⁰ for God bought you with a high price. So you must honor God with your body (1 Cor 6:18-20).

Indeed, honor God with your body, and you will please Him. He already loves you, and you're saved by grace through faith, and not by works. By "walking as Jesus did," you'll show that you worship Him alone and not your body.

At some point, the Christian must stop and ask: Who do you give final decision-making authority in your life to?

Sexual boundaries are a major topic in Scriptures, so why don't more Christians take it seriously? Waiting for sex until marriage is God's plan for single men and women. But according to Pew Research in 2020, 50% of Christians say, "Casual sex – defined in the survey as sex between consenting adults who are not in a committed romantic relationship – is sometimes or always acceptable" [3].

The Benefits of Marriage—and the Cost of Waiting Too Long

At some point, the question becomes not just why wait for sex, but why delay marriage? God designed marriage as a covenant that provides security, intimacy, friendship, deep bonding, and a stable place to raise children. Inside that commitment, sex moves from something risky and confusing to something free, protected, and shared without fear.

I can't say this enough: God loves sex in marriage. He is no prude. Sex is to be celebrated, encouraged, and embraced between a man and a woman in the commitment of marriage. The Bible makes sex a priority in marriage. Paul writes to couples in Corinth, telling them not to "deprive one another" of sex (1 Cor 7:5).

What's keeping you from getting married? If you're emotionally and spiritually ready to marry and are burning with passion, Scripture supports you in finding a wife or husband.

Don't worry about me being single; I'm on my own journey. I know I'll be married at some point. Let me slide out of the frame for a second. If you want marriage but feel stuck, what’s holding you back from moving forward?

Research shows that couples are waiting longer than ever to get hitched. According to one study, in 2022, the average age for men to get married was 30.5, and for females it was 28.6 [4]. Those ages were up two years, respectively, since 2008.

The Bible says that if you "burn" with passion, get married (1 Cor 7:9). Seal the deal. If you love each other, get along, have fought once or twice while you’re dating, and your families approve of the arrangement, get married.

It's good to be reminded of all the benefits of marriage, including that men and women are healthier mentally and physically, live longer, have less anxiety, and have more sex.

I'm all for young people getting married as soon as possible. Don't wait like me. One reason I believe the Lord has kept me unmarried is that I can teach older singles what it means to follow Christ without a spouse. Spouses are gifts from the Lord, never to be idolized or worshiped. When I get married, I will love my wife to the moon and back, but she will always be second.

Grace, Forgiveness, and a Fresh Start

If you've traveled down a rocky sexual road and are ashamed of it, there's no time like right now to hit the giant reset button the Lord is offering you right now. Jesus is waiting for you to come to Him with open arms. There's no sin He can't forgive and no mistake He can't mend.

Christianity is convalescence through Christ. Churches are hospitals, not a museum for saints, as someone said. Jesus says in Matthew 11:28-30:

"Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy and my burden is light.”

Once you ask for forgiveness, forgive yourself. Let it go. If you need to, talk with someone like a counselor or a pastor. Grace and acceptance are waiting for you. Whatever you've done—had sex, had an abortion, or slept around—Jesus' death on the cross paid for them all. Your job is to be honest with yourself and others, repent, and ask Him to forgive you.

Take Sips of Oxytocin in Dating

The science-based reason God wants you to wait for sex until you're married is that oxytocin can interfere with your decision-making process, push you to trust too early, and make you feel closer than where your commitment is at. It takes rose-colored glasses to an unsafe level.

Oxytocin is good, and God created it for romantic bonding. When you're married, gulp it through intimacy, sex, and emotional vulnerability. In dating, sip on it.

Chapter 9 in my dating book discusses sex in-depth and will offer even more insights into this topic. Check it out here.

References

[1a] https://ifstudies.org/blog/do-church-ladies-really-have-better-sex-lives
[1b] https://pubmed.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/34137331/
[1c] https://phys.org/news/2022-08-stronger-religious-beliefs-linked-higher.html

[2a] https://www.medicalnewstoday.com/articles/316593
[2b] https://papers.ssrn.com/sol3/papers.cfm?abstract_id=4979653

[3] https://www.pewresearch.org/fact-tank/2020/08/31/half-of-u-s-christians-say-casual-sex-between-consenting-adults-is-sometimes-or-always-acceptable/

[4] https://www.bgsu.edu/ncfmr/resources/data/family-profiles/median-age-first-marriage-geographic-variation-2022-fp-24-08.html

[5a] https://psychology.town/mental-health-in-special-areas/marriage-mental-health-benefits-challenges/
[5b] https://www.cardus.ca/wp-content/uploads/2023/05/2016-09-Marriage-is-Good-for-Your-Health.pdf
[5c] https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/stronger-the-broken-places/201509/6-reasons-why-married-people-should-have-better-sex-lives